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[10 Jul 2009|03:41pm] |
I'm wondering what its like to be ready to go. Why bother getting this surgery that's just going to be complicated and drawn out, when you can instead wait for infection to seep into your leg and quickly spread to the rest of your body? Seems like an easy enough choice, when you've been miserable for the last decade of your life, when your husband has been gone for 5 of those years, and when you've just shaved all of your hair off so you don't have to deal with it anymore.
She's done her hair every day. Every day.
My little cousins are overhearing the conversations the adults try to hiss in the kitchen, and they write notes to my grandma saying things like "Don't give up, Grandma" and "You'll get better". Imperatives, not wishes.
when my grandma asked "don't you all just have a pill or something?", the doctor told us about how in Oregon, M.D.s are in fact allowed to give qualified patients a killer pill. Then the doctor told us that most of the patients who receive the pill go home, and don't actually take it. they just keep it on them, just in case.
I got a bump under my tongue, in the exact same spot where i placed a thin film of tasteless paper a few nights before. I got to watch my friends' eyes grow wider as we watched the lightening storms in the woods. I watched the sun come up over this beautiful shitty little hill in shitty wonderful Maryland, the most comfortable and restless I've been in a while. I'd allowed myself to go and find the middle of that field and run away from everybody there with me, forgetting who i was supposed to be, what i was supposed to be doing. i got cut up by the grass that came up to my waist but it cut me all the way up to my neck, leaving little lash marks along my skin.
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Comments: 4 neighbahs. -Lend me some suga.
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[09 Jun 2009|09:31pm] |
one day i'm gonna string together all these words and hang them over your doorway like a bead curtain.
i wish i could find a place where we could both be happy. just leave me on the face of the moon, and i'll be fine there.
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Comments: Lend me some suga.
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| also ouroboros |
[01 Mar 2009|09:37pm] |
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uzumaki intertwining and not wanting to be untangled. but in the book its a bad thing! sometimes real life isn't too shitty though. irl. irl, i try to figure out how to do things without becoming uzumaki. irl im turning into this big dork who wins at Risk all the time.
i'm seriously trying to figure out how long it will take me to do the following things respectively of one another, yet in proximation:
get a job
move out of home (cohabitat)
study for GREs/take them/pass them
apply/get into grad school
go to said grad school
also, ouroboros
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Comments: 5 neighbahs. -Lend me some suga.
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[24 Feb 2009|02:00pm] |
i sat in the prettiest coffee place and spread out maps of portland to make a plan for the day, but too many people kept talking to me so i didnt go out and do anything.
i'm pretty ok with that.
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Comments: Lend me some suga.
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[01 Feb 2009|01:08am] |
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i cant sleep because i dont want to dream about the things im thinking of.
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Comments: Lend me some suga.
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| Don’t you dare say that you weren’t warned that the end was coming soon. |
[08 Jan 2009|04:23am] |
just remembered i've been trying to find the full online version of this since 2004.
ok so moving on, i cant wont stop thinking about anglerfish and their awful mouths and how i try really hard to get my room to be hot enough to mimic summertime and how when it finally gets to be summertime it wont even matter that the roof to your car is busted cuz it'll stay down always and how i may or may not be living at home then, but by that time i will have gathered enough little spots for me to go that it wont matter, and wondering if i'll still have this job with this weirdo boss who acts like a child and makes me babysit him but i'll be getting enough money that people will stop feeling guilty when i say "my treat" because thats what im getting this money for, because i want to be able to get out there and do stuff while my body is still limber, yet it could be more limber at this point, but i'm working on this through denial, which is something i'm getting incredibly good at and dont you dare say, etc, etc, etc.
about a third of west side story was performed in spanish, and i cried.
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Comments: 2 neighbahs. -Lend me some suga.
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[30 Dec 2008|05:33pm] |
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though once i quit the museum, my commute will no longer include watching the sun rise on the way into dc, and the sun set on the way out.
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Comments: Lend me some suga.
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[13 Dec 2008|08:35pm] |
not even the moon and m ward can cheer me up tonight. not even remembering that this same combination was all i needed last night to help me take the long trip home is enough to help a sista out. because i dont have enough time to myself anymore for my thoughts, theres no place that i can find that is quiet and alone enough so that i can digest my day. why cant i just work and come home and be alone? thats all i want. i dont want to be around people so much that i get to know and love everything about them because then i just wind up fretting and resenting them for it. i want people who know how to keep their distance, even when i push too hard. i need people who tell me things when theyre drunk, things that i shouldve known years ago at this point, and then they dont even remember it the next day. i want to be around people who dont do things just for the sake of doing it; just so they can say they went out and did it. i want punctuation in all the wrong places.
i use a dictophone at the lawyers office and have to stand on my tiptoes to make copies. its pretty hot secretary stuff, really.
so anyway, my feel good combo of last night. i just thought i'd share my recipe:
one part this:
hoping that my mind don't slip
sailing on a sinking ship
into the sunset in day
dark night on a long highway
little lights in the houses say
there's somebody staying up late
whoa-oh
I'll be true to you
oh yeah, you know I will
I'll be true to you forever or until
I go home
God, it's great to be alive
takes the skin right off my hide
to think I'll have to give it all up someday
and if I ever treated you mean
you know that it was only because
I'm sorry i couldn't have you for my own
whoa-oh
I'll be true to you
oh yeah, you know I will
I'll be true to you forever or until
I go home
and one part this:
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Comments: 3 neighbahs. -Lend me some suga.
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[05 Dec 2008|03:32am] |
sorry songs and ruined makeup and i shouldnt even be wearing makeup to begin with. double-crossed and nobody stops me, thats right, nobody ever stops me from driving home.
saw the greatest bureau show to date. there is a group i started that is living on without me. something i made is continuing on. i made it, they make it continue. i just get to sit back and realize that i've made an impact on something, anything.
these summer songs mean nothing to nobody anymore, but i'm reinventing them. erasing any past tense, pasting new memories over old ones. not because i'm ignoring them--no. i'd never ignore them and pretend they never happened. they're just being usurped is all.
and now what do i do? now that i locked the door tonight and fought my way back into a place where i didnt want to be?
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Comments: Lend me some suga.
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[03 Dec 2008|10:50pm] |
some heavy summer rain came down a little late the other night, and i stayed up to listen as long as i could. i'd rather stare up at the bare trees with stars wrapped around their fingers.
its been a long time since i've stayed in bed until i couldnt stand the taste of my own mouth anymore. i like waking up disoriented and having my brain subconsciously run through all the foreign places i've woken up in until it realizes that its home. its just home.
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Comments: 2 neighbahs. -Lend me some suga.
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[22 Nov 2008|09:29pm] |
it snowed the kind of snow i like.
also, facebank
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Comments: Lend me some suga.
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[10 Nov 2008|07:48pm] |
i think this about sums it up
fuck me for always pulling the same old shit.
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Comments: Lend me some suga.
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[24 Oct 2008|05:10pm] |
so remember how i had a car? yes, well i certainly do not anymore. i fuckin loved that car, too. what a shitty way for it to go out. however, i got really lucky that the lady i hit was nice, and said it was too bad we had to meet under these circumstances. also? no cops showed up.
since then, i've been in this real frazzled daze. you know the kind where you're just kinda staring through things? dumping water out in trashbins and throwing the cup out in the sink? yeah that one.
on the other hand, the Spy Museum hired me, so i'm an "agent" now. i hope that pretending to be a spy is actually a cover for being a real spy. that'd be ok. but for now im an undercover agent with no transportation. brian, lets not drive together everywhere!
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Comments: 5 neighbahs. -Lend me some suga.
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| i've been lonely before, but now i'm alone. |
[04 Oct 2008|02:41am] |
i wrote big long and eloquent messages to about three people who were not online at the time. so if you have some kind of magic, offline i.m. retrieval that i dont know about, ignore my messages, because they might be really ridiculous.
this is seriously why i need/want a kitty. or another Beta.
also why i seriously should censor myself more. or less.
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Comments: Lend me some suga.
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[02 Oct 2008|09:14pm] |
NOT FUNNY.
the one person who knows that when i say "i hate getting presents" knows what i really want is for them to send me presents bubble-wrapped in a manila folder from up the coast with a letter that can make me...something. it made me something.
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Comments: Lend me some suga.
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walkoutnotes's journal
